Today 5am

Aqui está o seu texto traduzido para o inglês:

Today is September 25th, and yesterday I managed to sleep before 10 PM. It was a difficult day because I pushed myself beyond my limits. I didn’t eat well, didn’t breathe properly, drank little water, had too much coffee, and too much Coke Zero. I tried, and at some moments I stopped being myself to please people at work, to avoid that same old feeling of thinking I'm strange, like always. It’s exhausting for me. I also had moments where I didn’t know how to say no. Right now, it’s 5 AM, and I feel like crying. My heart is racing. I think I took two Ritalin pills. I’m still following my psychiatrist’s treatment. 

I really want to take care of myself today because I really want to be healthy. Yesterday, I went to bed late. I’m not much into social media because I know it brings me anxiety, and I don’t like it much either. I’ve already moved past that phase of being overly into social media. But… yesterday, I was supposed to go to sleep at 9 PM, but I ended up going to bed at 9:40 just to post a picture. But this picture wasn’t just of me; it was from an important meeting I had with a dear friend who came to spend some days here. She’s been living in the Netherlands for a long time, and she helped me a lot when I needed it most during college, when I was depressed, and needed to graduate. She helped me to get involved, to earn the credits I needed to finish, and to participate in projects because I felt a lot of anxiety and fear of people. She was always so… she was always so incredible, very human, very patient, even though she went to a military school.

Her name is JB, and she told me she’s been working there, learning Dutch, and feeling happy. She said I could visit her and that the people at her job don’t treat her badly. When they teach her something, they do it calmly, patiently, without judgment, and they don’t expect anything extra from her. Any discomfort she felt was just her being too hard on herself, and they didn’t even understand why. This makes me think about this Brazilian culture, where we’re constantly made to feel like trash. I think this has to do with the way we were raised, with yelling and judgment. I still remember how I couldn’t do anything wrong, couldn’t say anything wrong, in front of my father and my grandfather—nothing. I had to know everything, couldn’t make any mistakes, couldn’t show that I didn’t know something, because they would just yell at me all the time, and even today my father is like that. Even today. 

But today, I’m stronger. I’m just going through a difficult phase because I haven’t been sleeping well these days, and I’m still not cured of alcoholism. But I have faith that I will heal. I have a lot of faith. I really want to make today a calm day, to take care of my health. I want to be able to breathe. I want to stop caring so much about people who throw bad energy at me, who make faces at me, because I know I’m doing my job well. I know that. And I’m aware of the most important thing, that I treat everyone with a lot of respect. And I know it’s not my fault, and this isn’t the first time it has happened. 

And after what Jessica told me, it’s another reason for me to believe that one day I’ll be able to work in a place where I don’t work "for" others, but "with" others. I’m going to make it happen. I’ll have my company, I’ll have partners or collaborators, and I’ll hire people who align with the culture of my company. I want to be able to be myself, which is everything I want in life. I’m 36 years old, I know my skills, I know everything I’ve suffered, everything I’ve survived until now. The long way I walked alone in childhood and adolescence. And I survived. I know I survived, and today I know everything I went through. I know that few people would be able to make it through, my father never would. I don’t want to judge him, but I know I was a very strong child and teenager. Only I know what I lived through, being psychologically abused, being sexually abused.

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